It is always by way of pain one arrives at pleasure.

I've worked so hard, my entire life, to avoid doing the one thing that I love the most out of everything I love: Being creative.  Being good at something doesn't always mean that you want to do that thing over all other things - but sometimes we have to grow into it as well.  I don't think I was ready to follow my heart before now.

Today I spent 5 hours in the studio, but there are some days when I'm there even longer. The thing that baffles me is that I can just be there. Just be. Sure, I think a lot while I'm there, I think about a lot of things. But I also don't think.

What I mean is that my mind enters this space where I'm just flowing. My brain quiets down and my thoughts and energy and physicality just flow all into one stream.  Suddenly I look up and it's been four hours.  And I could continue. Take a breath and have a drink of water and just keep going. It's the best feeling I've had in years.

It's all I do anymore. Paint. Think about painting. I'm working on some commissions now, and they are wonderful and I am so filled with gratitude for them because I need to have the work and need to build a way of making a living doing this. However, I find myself wrapped up in ideas of what I'd like to be working on that is mine. Especially lately.  I have these images of women in my head that I need to get onto canvas but it's going to take some time.

I look forward to the day that I have my own space. That I'm no longer sharing studio space. That every time I receive a check it is because someone has connected with one of my pieces and that they have chosen to hang it in their home or their office and have it in their life - and it's not a commission work where I'm translating someone else's idea onto canvas.

There are two things in my life that have ever truly brought me joy. Writing and painting. I'm happy that I am again finding a way to do at least one of those things. There is a distinct feeling of pleasure that I receive from the creative hours I spend.

Art is a jealous mistress. I wonder sometimes if I'll ever be able to do all of the things I want to do and at the same time do what I need to do - which is spend an inordinate amount of time alone, creating.  It doesn't seem like a fair agreement...but I am finding that it is the only way I feel sane.