You know I wanna be all...heeeeyyy - life's awesome....

However.

I'm so tired. Isn't it so rad when people start off with bitching?! Hey! Haven't heard from me for months - here is some bitching for you to remind you why you're glad I stopped writing in the first place!

Ok - here's what's good!

• I have completed 1100 hours at school. That means that I have to complete 500 hours and I will be DONE.  

• I started 'interning' at a salon in my neighborhood one day per week and will do so until either I am graduated or I have 20 booked days of interning, whichever comes first. 

• When I hit 1200 hours, I get to switch to full-time. Once that happens, I will literally be in school Monday through Friday 8:30-10PM, Saturday 8:30-5pm.  It's going to be hell. But it's going to cut down my time left in school by a LOT.

• I'm starting to do Freelance work again. I have a wedding in a week. It's beyond awesome.

 Here's why I'm blue:

I'm having some SERIOUS Wish I Had a Dad Blues this week. I'm absolutely certain that it's because the anniversary of Fred passing is in a week, followed by my dad's anniversary in a month.  It's fine, it will pass, but meanwhile, I've definitely got a case of the Mean Reds.  I just watched Annie and found myself being jealous of a fake orphan. Not cool.

While I've been slogging my way through school, I've been doing some spiritual searching, at a pretty intense level for me. My work with my regular therapist has reached a level where I just felt like I needed to take the "next step" - whatever that means. I hooked up with a Shamanic Practitioner and have been going through a series of pretty mind blowing things. I'm not ready to delve into details, but you can check out her website and get a good idea of what I've been up to.

The night after my soul-retrieval, I got really sick. Like really, really sick. I can't even remember when I threw up so much or for so long.  It took me almost a full week to get over being sick that night. I'm telling you right now that I am really going through a lot - emotionally and physically. I've also lost some weight - not intentionally. I can feel a real difference in my clothing and also in my face. It's weird. 

These are just cliffs notes. I don't even know how to go into detail about my life right now. It seems like nothing at all is happening, and yet I know that isn't true. It's just too much to think about in terms of vocabulary and updates on here.  I don't feel like I know enough about "Shamanic semantics" yet to talk about it all in a way that is intelligent and doesn't make me sound like I've sold out to cultish gypsies.  It will just have to suffice that I'm saying that what I'm going through is really profound for me.


I'm also feeling very tired of being unemployed. I've been working since I was 12 years old.  This long term waiting room of no regular work, no paychecks...it's been very hard on an ego level to just let things be, be thankful that I can do what I'm doing, be in the moments as they are happening rather than spending so much time desperately searching for a shred of evidence that at the end of my life, it is all going to mean something.

Anything.

There are no words.

For the night I've had, or the weekend I am about to have.

2011, has certainly started off with a bang. A huge one.

It's an Inspiration.

2011

Ok, so this is going to be a big year for me, kids.

This time I mean business. I mean it.

Check this Business out!

I have an opening this weekend!

Countdown!

 This is my bed.

You guys! I am leaving for San Francisco in TEN DAYS!

 I have so much to do before I leave. Do you even know what I have to look forward to in only ten days?

I have San Francisco Pride!

I have hot San Francisco dykes to look forward to. Smart, political, socially aware, stylish, cute short-hair-having sexy sexy dykes!!!! I'm going to be literally surrounded! I'm not going to know what to do with myself!  I'm going to be overwhelmed! It's possible that it might be too much. And if there is one thing I love? It's TOO MUCH!

Look at her hair! Her stylish shirt that is probably from Urban Outfitters! I probably want to rip it off of her!

Ok. In all seriousness, I do leave for San Francisco in ten days. I haven't been there since Summer 2007. Do you know what that means? Three years. Three long years since I've seen my dear friends, the Moe's and Mr. Browne.  Three long years since I have breathed in cool foggy SF air. Three long years since I've had a Cheesesteak from Jays. Three long years since I've stood on the Golden Gate bridge.

Three.   L     O     N     G.  Years.  (Thank you bad decisions and life)

This trip will also serve to scout out my new neighborhood. YES! It's true! Do you even know how excited I am? Finally. I'm driving up, taking my dog and we're going to just lez out with all the gays in San Francisco on Pride Weekend (and some cool straight people I know) and find our new neighborhood, eat good food, rest, and most importantly, catch up with aforementioned straight people.

It's going to be awesome.  However.

Before I can do any of that, I have to finish the work I'm prepping for my first solo show that opens THIS FRIDAY! Deets on my art blog, but seriously, this is such a great op for me and I'm really excited. Pretty much I'm going to be working hard core between now and as late Wednesday night as they'll give me before they come and physically remove my work from my hands to install it in the space in Los Angeles where it'll be for a few weeks. I need to scan the flyer so y'all can see it but damn. It's SO COOL.  My bio will be in the program, and my work will be for sale and hopefully will sell. 

Also have a couple of other irons in the fire that will be handled Monday. Monday is going to be insane.

But TEN DAYS.

Intention.

I dare myself to be brave.


I dare myself to be free. To have fun. To love without losing myself.

I dare myself to live a gentle and true life that I am proud of. That I can stand by. That I feel confident sharing with other humans.

It is always by way of pain one arrives at pleasure.

I've worked so hard, my entire life, to avoid doing the one thing that I love the most out of everything I love: Being creative.  Being good at something doesn't always mean that you want to do that thing over all other things - but sometimes we have to grow into it as well.  I don't think I was ready to follow my heart before now.

Today I spent 5 hours in the studio, but there are some days when I'm there even longer. The thing that baffles me is that I can just be there. Just be. Sure, I think a lot while I'm there, I think about a lot of things. But I also don't think.

What I mean is that my mind enters this space where I'm just flowing. My brain quiets down and my thoughts and energy and physicality just flow all into one stream.  Suddenly I look up and it's been four hours.  And I could continue. Take a breath and have a drink of water and just keep going. It's the best feeling I've had in years.

It's all I do anymore. Paint. Think about painting. I'm working on some commissions now, and they are wonderful and I am so filled with gratitude for them because I need to have the work and need to build a way of making a living doing this. However, I find myself wrapped up in ideas of what I'd like to be working on that is mine. Especially lately.  I have these images of women in my head that I need to get onto canvas but it's going to take some time.

I look forward to the day that I have my own space. That I'm no longer sharing studio space. That every time I receive a check it is because someone has connected with one of my pieces and that they have chosen to hang it in their home or their office and have it in their life - and it's not a commission work where I'm translating someone else's idea onto canvas.

There are two things in my life that have ever truly brought me joy. Writing and painting. I'm happy that I am again finding a way to do at least one of those things. There is a distinct feeling of pleasure that I receive from the creative hours I spend.

Art is a jealous mistress. I wonder sometimes if I'll ever be able to do all of the things I want to do and at the same time do what I need to do - which is spend an inordinate amount of time alone, creating.  It doesn't seem like a fair agreement...but I am finding that it is the only way I feel sane.